Eighteen Years

 

Eighteen years. We've had high highs, and low lows. And lots of normal in between. Some normal that we liked. And some we didn't. I don't know if it's the biggest thing we've learned in eighteen years - but it is the thing that is coming to mind in the moment: the incalculable value in honesty. In recognizing what you like, and what you don't - and talking about those things. For a long time we didn't realize the damage we were doing to each other by misjudging our situations, and mismanaging our presumptions and expectations. 

But growing together is a process. You don't know until you know - and once you know, what will you do about it? It takes bravery. It takes commitment. It takes a lot of tender conversation. It takes forbearance and forgiveness. And in the end, all of those things mix together in a messy little arrangement we call marriage. 

We are still right in the middle of attempting to change what we don't like. Love where we're at. Grow together in honest community with one another. There are times when love feels really high. There are other times when it feels very dutiful, or sacrificial. But its all the same love, just seen from one perspective trumping another in those moments. When you step back and look over 18 years, you can see it clearer - the work we put in is the benefit we reap. And it's worth it.

I have always been grateful to choose this man. I haven't always done it perfectly, or even well. But I'm grateful for do-overs, mercifully nearly every day. And I'm happy to report that love has grown in the space we've created. I didn't think it was possible on day 1 to love more than I did in that moment. And there were times along the way where it didn't seem probable that we'd get out of our own way and invest in each other. 

But it's become true. I love him more today, (its day 6574) than I ever have on any of the days before. That's not because it's been easy. Its because it's a choice - sometimes his, sometimes mine - to remember that God is good, and love is sweet. And we belong together.

A Letter, To the Son of my Youth:

Ten years: Can you remember when adding ten years was doubling your life, and it seemed impossible to dream of the way things would be?

And adding another ten once you got that far – well – that seemed, at the first ten, to be sure. Because life's intricacies will be made plain by then, everyone of ten knows that. But upon arrival and looking forward to another ten, you're struck with it. You really don't know as much as you'd hoped. All the things you thought – there really are not adequate words to describe them. As if you just knew that the passage of time would add a lyric to the melody in some miraculous way, only to discover that what you see is more of a riddle than a song. You probably just need ten more years. That will do it. 

I asked you today how you thought life would be in ten years, and you said “I don't know”. It's childish I suppose, yet profound. When I ask myself the same question, I'm struck with the irony of life as it is – we never do grow up. I've got nearly thirty years on you, and I still say “I don't know” with the same sense of mystery and trepidation. 

Time has taught me a few things, one of which is how little of it I have: There are a great many things that I have a very short window left to teach you. How to be a strong leader. How to be a loyal friend. How to treat a woman. How to have courage to do what is right when it's hard and you're weary. How to fight for the right things, and not be drawn into a false battle by distractions and emotions. How to see the hurt in the world and show empathy. How to talk to God.

But I don't know how that will go. For all the things I've learned, and all the decades I'm looking back on, I still don't know very much about any of those things. I don't know what my next ten years will look like, and I can't imagine yours any clearer than you can – But I do pray that at the end of all your decades, you are formed into a strong character. 

It will take ten years, and then ten more, and of course, probably another ten and ten and ten. By the life you live - sometimes by the choices you make, sometimes by the circumstances that God orchestrates as a tool to shape you – use your years to become ready for the decades that will never cease in all of eternity. Root this life you've been given solidly in the Word of the living God. Follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit with confidence. I pray that one day you will be what all mothers dream of for their little boys growing: A good man.

Love Your Spouse Challenge

Well, these things "go around" facebook, and while I was enjoying reading others' posts, I was kind of glad I hadn't been called upon to participate...I kind of feel like everyone already knows everything, right?! I don't know. I just guess I wasn't really in the mood or something. And then I got "tagged". You're it! Well, I didn't really have a plan or idea, so I just started posting off the top of head! Here are the 7 days, all rolled into one post. Just because we need to keep proof on hand that I love that guy;-)

Day 1 -

I was nominated for the Love Your Spouse challenge by Sarah. For day 1, Here we are, at 23 years old, but babies. We'd already known each other for 4 years. I'm volunteering at the Markham Fair, and he's just waiting around for my shift to be over. He's done a lot of waiting around over the years. A lot. He's determined and patient (and I'm really not). This was the day before we officially began our dating relationship (which was mostly long distance). More about that another day, perhaps. But I thought maybe I should start back where it all began! I nominate Amy & Kari! I think you're supposed to post for 7 days...ummm... Because love is nice? It sure beats all the usa politics on my feed;-) I guess I didn't look into the rules before accepting the challenge (somewhat typical of me! Haha)

Day 2 - 

Well, here we are in 2004. When everything we owned in our 500sq ft apartment fit into a very small trailer, and we left NY (me having only lived there for 11 months) to move to VA. We really had no idea what we were doing, though I'm sure at the time we felt we did:-) One of the things that I am begrudgingly grateful for is Brian's vision and plan for our family. I say begrudging, because if it were up to me (the play it safe non risk taker aka: worrywart), we'd still be renting an apartment in Rochester, I'm sure (because all other options seem scary!). But after being somewhat dragged along (even if just in my own mind), I eventually see the wisdom in it all. I am so grateful that, while he does listen to my cautions, he isn't afraid to do what he feels is right. I'm very glad God saw fit to give me to a man so different from myself - because it's allowed me to grow and change in ways I never would have forced myself to do otherwise. And it's landed me in a place I never would have imagined, but couldn't love more!

Day 3 - 

"He must be so tall that when he is on his knees, he reaches all the way to heaven. His shoulders must be broad enough to bear the burden of a family. His lips must be strong enough to smile, firm enough to say no, and tender enough to kiss. He must be big enough to be gentle and great enough to be thoughtful. His arms must be strong enough to carry a child." (Ruth Graham). I love his patience, with me, and our kids. Its not one of my outstanding qualities, so the contrast is evident. I want to do everything "this instant", and he is willing to take the long way around, when needed. I like that. I wish I could do that. I'm so thankful that he is long suffering in his love for me. I'm so glad that he always seems to assume the best in me

Day 4 - 

This is a picture from where we met. We worked together, and were not particularly good friends, but friendly co-workers. Then, we got in trouble for things you only ever get in trouble for at very strict places (accused relationship after going to church with another mutual friend). It all was very innocent, but the accusation was very off-putting to me, so that was the end of that. I don't think I spoke a single word to him, let alone entered a room he was in for a solid 18 months. Since there had been "nothing going on", I didn't want it to appear as though we'd somehow just escaped trouble, and I had plenty of friends. He didn't need to be one of them. And he wasn't. So all of this was our strange beginning. And it's not particularly "loving" haha. But what was displayed in all of these shenanigans was character. Not so much mine, but his. Well, sure enough, my character *was* revealed, and it wasn't much to look at. Unless you somehow place high value on grudge holding, and people avoiding (to make myself appear "better"), but I really haven't found a lot of people who like those things;-) But one of the things that comes to mind when I think of Brian in those days is "consistent". He has never pretended to be anything other than what he is. Don't get me wrong, that meant *plenty* of trouble for him, because conservative Christian places 'have a rule for that' to be sure. But he didn't govern his behaviour based on the crazy flavour of the day. He was solid in what he believed, and he's exactly the same now as he was then, outside of the normal growth and change in life. I have always appreciated this consistency in character, and it's one of the things I will always love about him.

Day 5

I was asked after yesterdays post to share how we got together in the end. Well, that's a long story, and I'm only half of it, but I'll try to do justice to his side of the tale. The backstory is that we were introduced in Indianapolis by a mutual friend, Matt Coleman in 1998. I don't remember this encounter at all, haha. If I think about it really hard, I can picture it all, based on his descriptions and details, but yeah, no real memory of this. So in 1999 Brian had the chance to come work at the same place I worked, and he didn't base his decision to go solely on the fact that I was there - but it was a factor;-) So I met Brian (the one I remember), in Chicago in 1999. First impression on my end was not winning. It was obvious right from the start that this guy would say *anything* he wanted to, regardless of situation or location. People like this were trouble in a conservative Christian situation, and my friend Audra marked him off the bat as "trouble". In his opinion, I ignored him, simply because he worked in the warehouse and I didn't...because I was a snob. In my opinion, I was just behaving myself. Befriending random people (opposite gender) was frowned upon. And the fact that we didn't work together meant that I'd have to go out of my way to be nice to him, and I had zero reason to do that. Snob - or just trying to be good. Potato, potatoe. He came to work in my department, and we became friends. Not great friends, but friends enough. After the situation with us getting in trouble I was QUITE sure this guy was a NO on every level. Although he was left with the opposite impression, that I was a YES. So while I set about to make his general existence fairly uncomfortable, he set about to try to be friends. I refused to speak to him. So he figured out a way to put himself in a position where I *had* to speak to him for work issues. I was organizing a homeschool conference. He figured out a way to get himself on the travel team that came to my conferences etc. Small (and annoying to me) insertions into my life where I really had no choice but to be at least cordial:-) With enough time and space between me and HQ in Chicago (I was now working from Canadian location), and with enough of his general prying (thinking up any excuse to talk to me), I started to see that my reactions were at least slightly overdramatic, and I started to feel badly (I was basically borderline or not borderline rude to him on multiple occasions - and in public. He'd enter the lunch room, I'd glare and exit - this kind of thing, so immature). Anyway, I started to feel bad about it, and winter of '00 I apologized to him for being overly dramatic about the situation. It was a fairly lame, and not very thorough apology, but he was like "hey, no problem! actually a bunch of us (from HQ) are going skiing this weekend in NY, want to come?" I was like...UUUUUUHHHH, again rude? Lol. I said "I have to ask my parents" because I was quite sure they'd say no. But they said yes. So I went. It was fine. This picture is from that ski trip. After that, we became friends for real. But just over AIM or email basically. There was another ski trip the next winter. And we were engaged the winter after that! This guy definitely has a vision for his long-range goals! ;-) The whole "story of us" is basically defined by his patience and long suffering.This guy can put up with a lot, and is quick to forgive. I'm so grateful he's mine!

Day 6 - 

 I forgot about this -busy day! So, we'll do an easy one... You ain't too bad to look at, Babe

Day 7

Well here we are at the end of the challenge. It's been a fun exercise in "speaking love" and it's always so nice to reflect on old pictures and memories. At the end of the day, I am grateful that God gave me to this man, knowing all my flaws, and knowing all of his. Does he always “love me as Christ loves the church”? No. Does he always anticipate every need, and emotion and respond in the way I desire? No. Do I honour him in my heart all the time, and choose to believe the best of him? No. Am I a proper helpmeet, setting aside selfish desires and making a priority the things I know he values/wants as he leads our family? No. I know this is sounding like a bit of a bummer...BUT. God brought us together. He sustains us. Life is not perfect, and of course we will never be perfect husbands or wives. But life together is great fun. I'm better for the time we've spent together, and that makes me happy. I will always be grateful he chose to love me.
“Now make such assignments to them on the scroll of Thy will as will bless them and develop their characters as they walk together. Give them enough tears to keep them tender, enough hurts to keep them human, enough failure to keep their hands clenched tightly in Thine and enough of success to make them sure they walk with God. May they never take each others love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, 'out of all this world, you have chosen me'. When life is done and the sun is setting, may they be found then as now, still hand in hand, still thanking God for each other.”