Eighteen Years

 

Eighteen years. We've had high highs, and low lows. And lots of normal in between. Some normal that we liked. And some we didn't. I don't know if it's the biggest thing we've learned in eighteen years - but it is the thing that is coming to mind in the moment: the incalculable value in honesty. In recognizing what you like, and what you don't - and talking about those things. For a long time we didn't realize the damage we were doing to each other by misjudging our situations, and mismanaging our presumptions and expectations. 

But growing together is a process. You don't know until you know - and once you know, what will you do about it? It takes bravery. It takes commitment. It takes a lot of tender conversation. It takes forbearance and forgiveness. And in the end, all of those things mix together in a messy little arrangement we call marriage. 

We are still right in the middle of attempting to change what we don't like. Love where we're at. Grow together in honest community with one another. There are times when love feels really high. There are other times when it feels very dutiful, or sacrificial. But its all the same love, just seen from one perspective trumping another in those moments. When you step back and look over 18 years, you can see it clearer - the work we put in is the benefit we reap. And it's worth it.

I have always been grateful to choose this man. I haven't always done it perfectly, or even well. But I'm grateful for do-overs, mercifully nearly every day. And I'm happy to report that love has grown in the space we've created. I didn't think it was possible on day 1 to love more than I did in that moment. And there were times along the way where it didn't seem probable that we'd get out of our own way and invest in each other. 

But it's become true. I love him more today, (its day 6574) than I ever have on any of the days before. That's not because it's been easy. Its because it's a choice - sometimes his, sometimes mine - to remember that God is good, and love is sweet. And we belong together.

A Reflection

A reflection is an image - and what you see in your reflection depends on how clearly you can see yourself. A shimmery pond means that you'll see a distortion, but a clean and clear piece of mirrored glass will give you a pretty accurate view. But it's still just a reflection. It's not the real thing. Isn't it weird to think that as familiar you are with yourself, you've never actually seen yourself? We think we know ourselves - and we do - better than anyone else. But still, we can't see ourselves accurately.

After turning 40 this month, I have given myself to some introspection as I am prone towards from time to time. Four decades behind me, and each one sort of  it's own journey. A few different parts of my story that come together in forty years of living.

My Mom's family in 1979. I was the first grandchild on the Shantz side. My Uncle Greg (directly behind me) would pass away just one year from this photo.

My first decade can be described in probably one word. Growth, and love. So two words, I guess. What does any one do in these formative years, but form? So, I grew. Healthy, and strong, and so loved by everyone around me. That was a mark of blessing on my life I was not in control of. Look down at a helpless precious baby sometime, and wonder how anyone can leave them uncared for. I can not under value the gift of being wanted. And I had that gift in spades. I was not perfect (because what child is?!), but I was cherished regardless. I will ever be grateful to my family of origin for loving me, whether or not I was lovable. Because I think, upon reflection (and having children of my own, which offers a decent reflective-glass, I've found), I was often harder to love than I thought at the time. But they never let on. They learned something, and applied it well - and I am the grateful beneficiary. How to love well.

I seem to remember I was wearing my brothers coat:-)

Jennifer, my German Cabbage Patch Doll - given to me by someone at church.

Me & My Daddy. Always.

Growing up turned my first decade into my second. This one took all the forming and gave it skills and a firm foundation. My church, my friends, my family, my friends, my employers. I can point to each one in a special way and see how God was shaping me through them. What I believed, and why. It wasn't told to me. I learned it, and I owned it. Although I didn't have the experience to back it up, this theoretical knowledge has stood the test of time, as there are very few things - if any - that I can point to now as being different in my beliefs.

15 years old. And that perm. What can I say? 😂

Kennedy kids 1991

The worst part about growing up, in my opinion at the time, was that it takes so long to happen. I was ready. And I steamrolled right into my third decade. My 20's brought with them all the big changes of life. Grown up jobs. Real, honest friendships. A boyfriend, and then a husband. A major move (goodbye Canada, hello USA). I "lost" my family with a major move of their own which carried them far far away, and it took a really long time for me to come to terms with all the things you lose in a move (my own, and other peoples). But it wasn't all losing, because I gained a lot too. Lots of grownup life decisions. Kids. I find it hard to imagine that you could pack more life into 10 years than I did. It was fun. It was exciting. It was my joy to experience every minute of those ten years. Because of the breakneck pace of life in those days...

My 23rd Birthday! I can't remember why I seem to have two cakes:-)

The Kennedy Family 2000

Some of/most of the friends I grew up with. They endured the perm phase kindly😂

I hit 30 and it didn't seem like life would slow down anytime soon. I welcomed my last baby, or so I thought. And then the unimaginable happened - life slowed down. A lot. My world shrunk down to the four walls of my house, or so it felt, and often does when raising littles. And I was not prepared, given all the growing that had taken place the 30 years prior, for all the growth that was about to come, because everything just felt so settled. I guess I'd thought I was all done with that sort of thing. Life got complicated and hard. I felt unequipped and I was (and still am). Grown up decisions, yeah, sure. But these weren't fun, or exciting, as they had been in the past. God showed himself front and center in the middle of my story, and it surprised me. It shouldn't have, but it did. It took 3 whole decades to discover something that should have been obvious in all the previous experiences of my years.

I realized, maybe too late, that I am not enough. I blame this revelation on being loved too well, which can never be called a problem, really. But it did cushion me, and because of my natural weaknesses, made me both self sufficient and lazy at the same time. I just really had never come up against a scenario when I didn't think I could figure a way through it. Until I did, and that was a pretty hard fall. But in the falling, I learned something huge, which has two parts, and defines, I think, the most recent decade of my life. First part is - It doesn't matter. Second part is - It matters.

I came to see that my "not enoughness" was not a problem. It doesn't matter at all - because I'm not supposed to be enough. Why did I think I was? Why did I think I should be? I am not enough to meet the needs around me. Not on my own anyway. I had a very horizontal view of my world. Where I set myself up as the best one to do all the things I needed to do. But the focus on the horizontal left a big gap in my view of the vertical - how God fit into my story. I didn't see it at His story, I saw it as mine. When I saw that reflection pop up on the toothpaste spattered bathroom mirror, it changed my perspective forever. I knew these things to be true, but it was theoretical knowledge until now...I had never experienced it, because I'd always been enough - until I realized my need of a Saviour. Not to save me from hell, because that had already been done. But to save me right now. My sanctification took a glorious turn the day I realized that I needed Jesus here and now, for REAL. A present help in trouble. A rescuer. A strong tower. The lover of my soul. He has been all of these things to me, as He continues to change me. I don't need to be enough to meet the demands life has for me. I am trusting my Captain, who never wavers and never sleeps and is always always always enough.

And to the second point of my lesson, 40 years in the making - Everything matters. It matters what kind of a person I am. Doing the right things, because they are the right things will always be right. The kind of a mom I am? It matters. The kind of a wife I am? It matters. The kind of friend, employee, daughter, citizen etc I am...It all matters. There aren't excuses. But, this is me, I'm just this way, I've always been this way...as if I were powerless against myself. But it's not true. So to get a clearer picture of myself, I cleaned the toothpaste spatter off the mirror and I looked again, and saw a worthy child of The Most High, who didn't have to be enough, but for the power of Christ in me, was in fact, enough. And He grew in me, and is still growing, a desire to matter. To make the hard choices, and do the hard things. The hardest of all the hard? Probably making my bed. And you laugh, but I'm serious. Okay, so maybe not THE hardest thing, sure, but still - I dislike it, and I don't want to do it. But I make myself accomplish this menial task, (most days, anyway), because it matters. Using excuses to mask laziness under the veil of "this is just how I am" is, in this particular case, making an excuse for sin. I didn't always see it that way, but I am grateful that I do now.

Because you can't hate something you still kinda sorta like a little bit. Think of it in relation to your thoughts on brussels sprouts, and ice cream. You hate one, and have no trouble passing it by. And you don't hate the other. You're maybe supposed to, because, you know: fat, and sugar, and moderation and all that. You know this. But still, it doesn't make you *hate* it, it just makes you avoid it most of the time. I guess you could say in my 30s I came to see what sin was. What my sin was. And, while being nothing overly shocking or egregious, I could make all the excuses in the world to justify myself. But what I didn't see was the bigger picture. What hadn't really settled on my heart yet was just how connected disobedience is. Sure, I look out at a big, bad sin, and I judge it as such. But can I see how my "small to me" sin allows for those bigger sins to take place? I might not be the one committing the "badder sin" but am I paving the roadway just a little wider, so that someone else can take it further than I would dare? For example, my tv viewing, which these days equals every show always including "adult scenes". This is not a particular area of weakness for me, and so I enjoy my free time and watch whatever I please. But do I hate the sin that is present here? I might not carry it out to its furthest extent - but someone else does every day, by way of pornography, and ultimately sex slavery and prostitution. Are things things I can look at and say "Inconsequential. No big deal. This only affects me"? I think not. I hate the sin in me, whether it's deemed big or small, because all disobedience is a big deal. And it cost Jesus his life to atone for it. I have begun to see it all as it really is - completely at odds in every way from the righteousness of the Lord. A growing desire to see my sin GONE has been birthed in me, and I know I'll have limited success at it's eradication. But God gave the revelation, desire, and motivation, (because trust me, I didn't go out looking for it) and He'll be present in the fight too. I'm counting on it.

And I enter this fifth decade of my life quite different than ever before. Reflection on all the good things in my life leaves my heart full. Because I've had a good life, but most of that hasn't been my fault. I've been the beneficiary of a lot of kindness, love, and grace from a lot of different people. I don't take that for granted going forward. I can only hope I've been that for others too. Reflection on all the ways I've changed and grown and the things I've learned also leaves my heart full. I probably love it most because it shows a different angle - it's not all pretty, and squared away, it's more rumpled and rippled looking. Like a reflection in a pond more than in a mirror - but it's still me. I am grateful for all the life that is behind me, and I am looking forward to everything He has for me in the years coming up.

Based on the ride that I call "my 30s", I really have no expectation for all the things that will come to define "my 40s", but I know that I will still be His, and He will still be mine. And that will be enough.

God is Good

"That this may be a sign among you, that when your children ask their fathers in times to come, saying, what do you mean by these stones? Then you shall answer them...And these stones will be a memorial for the children...forever" (Josh 4:6-7). 

My theme for 2018 was Ps 27:13-14. I picked these verses as the Lord impressed them upon my heart in late Dec/early Jan of this year. Before I had any idea of the things I was about to walk through. It was another year of seeing God's mercy in all (2016), and seeing other small parts of the story of my rescue unfold (2017), and hope.

 A year of disappointment, of truth, of waiting, of hoping, of revelation, of courage, and of goodness. A lot of life packed into 12 short months. But He is good, and He does good. Not theoretically, but actually, and specifically, for me.

I wait, and I hope, with confidence and courage. Grateful to be ending another year with lessons & memories that I will carry in my heart forever, and for an ornament with which to remember them by.
 

Ornaments

Some people in recent years started having a "word" for the year. I started having a theme. Something the Lord puts on my heart that typifies my journey for that year. I decided to put each theme yearly, on an ornament. "That this may be a sign among you, that when your children ask their fathers in times to come, saying, what do you mean by these stones? Then you shall answer them...And these stones will be a memorial for the children...forever" (Josh 4:6-7) 

Because I think it's important for people to remember all the great things God has done in His great rescue of us. And its also important to share these things with the next generations, so that they can see the struggles and the victories that come with living the life God gave us.

My Grandma Shantz gave me an ornament each year, from 1979 to 2015 (making them ahead, as she passed in 2010). Every year we take them out, hang them up and talk. Stories about her, about life, about what I was doing that year...in 2016 I was a little battle-weary, you might say. It wasn't the year I wanted it to be in many ways, & yet it surpassed expectations in other ways. And there was no new ornament from Grandma to mark the season. So I made my own. 

'Tis mercy all, so rich and free...That old hymn had been on my heart all year, and spoke clearly to summarize the ups-and-downs. Because His mercy to me was evident in my brightest day & in my darkest night. Unshakeable goodness, even in circumstances I wouldn't have imagined, but also wouldn't change, for His loves display was so sure. Could I see that it was ALL a mercy of God? Truly?

My theme for 2017, summarized "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert". This year, this verse has been on display in my livingroom & always close to my mind. He has forged so many "new things", and, instead of my tendency to not pay attention, I was watching & waiting & seeing all the ways He was working and changing me. And that was worthy of another ornament, I thought.

Daddy Doesn't Pray Anymore

*This was written and posted on Instagram in November 2015*

Well folks, it's a new song, but an old, old memory. There is much to be grateful for, when taking that ol' trip down memory lane.

My life has been both extremely ordinary and extraordinary - paradoxically, at once. Perhaps it was the ordinary that allowed the exceptional to seem so, or, perhaps the unique just made the rest seem mundane. But either way, having lived it, it always just seemed like life to me.

If asked to name one single, solitary, defining thing that shaped my growing up, the very first thing that springs to mind time and again is this: Music.

I've spent more time sitting and listening to sad old songs, sung by a smooth baritone than probably anything else, collectively. My favourite pastime, and his too. There were songs about love, and life, and the Lord. The soul stirring cries of notes on the page, brought to life in a six string. I can't help but hear a new song, like this one, and not reminisce. It's hauntingly familiar in every way. It's not the only kind of music that speaks to my heart - but it's the best kind.

It's the kind that makes you wish you never had to grow up. The kind that makes you wish people never left. The kind that makes heaven seem wonderful. Because: Jesus and music. Could there anything sweeter? I'm grateful for my Dad, and his passion for music. I'm so glad that I have memories buried all the way down to my toes - of music.

And I'm grateful for new songs to sing everyday. Music, just like life, is a story that never ends. Always have a song in your heart, even if it's a sad one. There will always come a brighter day, and a happier note.

Because like it or not, we all dance to the tunes we know.

https://youtu.be/4nTch_IbOHE (link to Chris Stapleton's Daddy Doesn't Pray Anymore)

Fall, Waiting

It still feels like summer, but I'm ok with that.

We don't get beautiful autumn-orange and brilliant-yellow, and a red that seems to set a spark in your soul. But that's ok too. 

Everybody else has pictures to share of the places they live. Where winter comes long and hard, but is somehow made bearable by the amazing turning of the seasons, and it often makes me wish I could see what they see. 

But then I have to remember - this place is not a mistake. It's not less beautiful. It's not "supposed to be" better, and is somehow merely acceptable and looked-over for something that shines brighter. 

This place was created just as perfectly as a personality by a creative God who has good uses for all of His creations. It is no mistake we are each made with our own "dull spots" that seem to shine with less brilliance than our neighbours. 

Because for every negative that we compare, there's a positive that we don't see rightly. 

And it still feels like summer here. #achievablebeauty

A Letter, To the Son of my Youth:

Ten years: Can you remember when adding ten years was doubling your life, and it seemed impossible to dream of the way things would be?

And adding another ten once you got that far – well – that seemed, at the first ten, to be sure. Because life's intricacies will be made plain by then, everyone of ten knows that. But upon arrival and looking forward to another ten, you're struck with it. You really don't know as much as you'd hoped. All the things you thought – there really are not adequate words to describe them. As if you just knew that the passage of time would add a lyric to the melody in some miraculous way, only to discover that what you see is more of a riddle than a song. You probably just need ten more years. That will do it. 

I asked you today how you thought life would be in ten years, and you said “I don't know”. It's childish I suppose, yet profound. When I ask myself the same question, I'm struck with the irony of life as it is – we never do grow up. I've got nearly thirty years on you, and I still say “I don't know” with the same sense of mystery and trepidation. 

Time has taught me a few things, one of which is how little of it I have: There are a great many things that I have a very short window left to teach you. How to be a strong leader. How to be a loyal friend. How to treat a woman. How to have courage to do what is right when it's hard and you're weary. How to fight for the right things, and not be drawn into a false battle by distractions and emotions. How to see the hurt in the world and show empathy. How to talk to God.

But I don't know how that will go. For all the things I've learned, and all the decades I'm looking back on, I still don't know very much about any of those things. I don't know what my next ten years will look like, and I can't imagine yours any clearer than you can – But I do pray that at the end of all your decades, you are formed into a strong character. 

It will take ten years, and then ten more, and of course, probably another ten and ten and ten. By the life you live - sometimes by the choices you make, sometimes by the circumstances that God orchestrates as a tool to shape you – use your years to become ready for the decades that will never cease in all of eternity. Root this life you've been given solidly in the Word of the living God. Follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit with confidence. I pray that one day you will be what all mothers dream of for their little boys growing: A good man.

Love Challenge 2016

There was a "challenge" posted on facebook last year, and I got tagged to participate. I can't even remember why now, but anyway, I did the challenge, and as it's coming up on my feed a year later, I'm thinking it might be nice to document it, in this "permanent" online space, as facebook is so fleeting.
DAY 1 - 

I was nominated for the Love Your Spouse challenge by Sarah. For day 1, Here we are, at 23 years old, but babies. We'd already known each other for 4 years. I'm volunteering at the Markham Fair, and he's just waiting around for my shift to be over. He's done a lot of waiting around over the years. A lot. He's determined and patient (and I'm really not). This was the day before we officially began our dating relationship (which was mostly long distance). More about that another day, perhaps. But I thought maybe I should start back where it all began! I nominate Amy S. & Kari K.! I think you're supposed to post for 7 days...ummm... Because love is nice? It sure beats all the USA politics on my feed;-) I guess I didn't look into the rules before accepting the challenge (somewhat typical of me! Haha)

DAY 2

Love Your Spouse Challenge - Day 2. Well, here we are in 2004. When everything we owned in our 500sq ft apartment fit into a very small trailer, and we left NY (me having only lived there for 11 months) to move to VA. We really had no idea what we were doing, though I'm sure at the time we felt we did:-) One of the things that I am begrudgingly grateful for is Brian's vision and plan for our family. I say begrudging, because if it were up to me (the play it safe non risk taker aka: worrywart), we'd still be renting an apartment in Rochester, I'm sure (because all other options seem scary!). But after being somewhat dragged along (even if just in my own mind), I eventually see the wisdom in it all. I am so grateful that, while he does listen to my cautions, he isn't afraid to do what he feels is right. I'm very glad God saw fit to give me to a man so different from myself - because it's allowed me to grow and change in ways I never would have forced myself to do otherwise. And it's landed me in a place I never would have imagined, but couldn't love more!

DAY 3 - 

Love your Spouse challenge-day 3. "He must be so tall that when he is on his knees, he reaches all the way to heaven. His shoulders must be broad enough to bear the burden of a family. His lips must be strong enough to smile, firm enough to say no, and tender enough to kiss. He must be big enough to be gentle and great enough to be thoughtful. His arms must be strong enough to carry a child." (Ruth Graham). I love his patience, with me, and our kids. Its not one of my outstanding qualities, so the contrast is evident. I want to do everything "this instant", and he is willing to take the long way around, when needed. I like that. I wish I could do that. I'm so thankful that he is long suffering in his love for me. I'm so glad that he always seems to assume the best in me

DAY 4 - 

Love Your Spouse Challenge - Day 4. This is a picture from where we met. We worked together, and were not particularly good friends, but friendly co-workers. Then, we got in trouble for things you only ever get in trouble for at very strict places (accused relationship after going to church with another mutual friend). It all was very innocent, but the accusation was very off-putting to me, so that was the end of that. I don't think I spoke a single word to him, let alone entered a room he was in for a solid 18 months. Since there had been "nothing going on", I didn't want it to appear as though we'd somehow just escaped trouble, and I had plenty of friends. He didn't need to be one of them. And he wasn't. So all of this was our strange beginning. And it's not particularly "loving" haha. But what was displayed in all of these shenanigans was character. Not so much mine, but his. Well, sure enough, my character *was* revealed, and it wasn't much to look at. Unless you somehow place high value on grudge holding, and people avoiding (to make myself appear "better"), but I really haven't found a lot of people who like those things;-) But one of the things that comes to mind when I think of Brian in those days is "consistent". He has never pretended to be anything other than what he is. Don't get me wrong, that meant *plenty* of trouble for him, because conservative Christian places 'have a rule for that' to be sure. But he didn't govern his behaviour based on the crazy flavour of the day. He was solid in what he believed, and he's exactly the same now as he was then, outside of the normal growth and change in life. I have always appreciated this consistency in character, and it's one of the things I will always love about him

DAY 5

Love Your Spouse Challenge - Day 5. I was asked after yesterdays post to share how we got together in the end. Well, that's a long story, and I'm only half of it, but I'll try to do justice to his side of the tale. The backstory is that we were introduced in Indianapolis by a mutual friend, Matt Coleman in 1998. I don't remember this encounter at all, haha. If I think about it really hard, I can picture it all, based on his descriptions and details, but yeah, no real memory of this. So in 1999 Brian had the chance to come work at the same place I worked, and he didn't base his decision to go solely on the fact that I was there - but it was a factor;-) So I met Brian (the one I remember), in Chicago in 1999. First impression on my end was not winning. It was obvious right from the start that this guy would say *anything* he wanted to, regardless of situation or location. People like this were trouble in a conservative Christian situation, and my friend Audra marked him off the bat as "trouble". In his opinion, I ignored him, simply because he worked in the warehouse and I didn't...because I was a snob. In my opinion, I was just behaving myself. Befriending random people (opposite gender) was frowned upon. And the fact that we didn't work together meant that I'd have to go out of my way to be nice to him, and I had zero reason to do that. Snob - or just trying to be good. Potato, potatoe. He came to work in my department, and we became friends. Not great friends, but friends enough. After the situation with us getting in trouble I was QUITE sure this guy was a NO on every level. Although he was left with the opposite impression, that I was a YES. So while I set about to make his general existence fairly uncomfortable, he set about to try to be friends. I refused to speak to him. So he figured out a way to put himself in a position where I *had* to speak to him for work issues. I was organizing a homeschool conference. He figured out a way to get himself on the travel team that came to my conferences etc. Small (and annoying to me) insertions into my life where I really had no choice but to be at least cordial:-) With enough time and space between me and HQ in Chicago (I was now working from Canadian location), and with enough of his general prying (thinking up any excuse to talk to me), I started to see that my reactions were at least slightly overdramatic, and I started to feel badly (I was basically borderline or not borderline rude to him on multiple occasions - and in public. He'd enter the lunch room, I'd glare and exit - this kind of thing, so immature). Anyway, I started to feel bad about it, and winter of '00 I apologized to him for being overly dramatic about the situation. It was a fairly lame, and not very thorough apology, but he was like "hey, no problem! actually a bunch of us (from HQ) are going skiing this weekend in NY, want to come?" I was like...UUUUUUHHHH, again rude? Lol. I said "I have to ask my parents" because I was quite sure they'd say no. But they said yes. So I went. It was fine. This picture is from that ski trip. After that, we became friends for real. But just over AIM or email basically. There was another ski trip the next winter. And we were engaged the winter after that! This guy definitely has a vision for his long-range goals! ;-)The whole "story of us" is basically defined by his patience and long suffering.This guy can put up with a lot, and is quick to forgive. I'm so grateful he's mine!

DAY 7 - 

Love Your Spouse Challenge – Day 7. Well here we are at the end of the challenge. It's been a fun exercise in "speaking love" and it's always so nice to reflect on old pictures and memories. At the end of the day, I am grateful that God gave me to this man, knowing all my flaws, and knowing all of his. Does he always “love me as Christ loves the church”? No. Does he always anticipate every need, and emotion and respond in the way I desire? No. Do I honour him in my heart all the time, and choose to believe the best of him? No. Am I a proper helpmeet, setting aside selfish desires and making a priority the things I know he values/wants as he leads our family? No. I know this is sounding like a bit of a bummer...BUT. God brought us together. He sustains us. Life is not perfect, and of course we will never be perfect husbands or wives. But life together is great fun. I'm better for the time we've spent together, and that makes me happy. I will always be grateful he chose to love me.
“Now make such assignments to them on the scroll of Thy will as will bless them and develop their characters as they walk together. Give them enough tears to keep them tender, enough hurts to keep them human, enough failure to keep their hands clenched tightly in Thine and enough of success to make them sure they walk with God. May they never take each others love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, 'out of all this world, you have chosen me'. When life is done and the sun is setting, may they be found then as now, still hand in hand, still thanking God for each other.”

Love Your Spouse Challenge

Well, these things "go around" facebook, and while I was enjoying reading others' posts, I was kind of glad I hadn't been called upon to participate...I kind of feel like everyone already knows everything, right?! I don't know. I just guess I wasn't really in the mood or something. And then I got "tagged". You're it! Well, I didn't really have a plan or idea, so I just started posting off the top of head! Here are the 7 days, all rolled into one post. Just because we need to keep proof on hand that I love that guy;-)

Day 1 -

I was nominated for the Love Your Spouse challenge by Sarah. For day 1, Here we are, at 23 years old, but babies. We'd already known each other for 4 years. I'm volunteering at the Markham Fair, and he's just waiting around for my shift to be over. He's done a lot of waiting around over the years. A lot. He's determined and patient (and I'm really not). This was the day before we officially began our dating relationship (which was mostly long distance). More about that another day, perhaps. But I thought maybe I should start back where it all began! I nominate Amy & Kari! I think you're supposed to post for 7 days...ummm... Because love is nice? It sure beats all the usa politics on my feed;-) I guess I didn't look into the rules before accepting the challenge (somewhat typical of me! Haha)

Day 2 - 

Well, here we are in 2004. When everything we owned in our 500sq ft apartment fit into a very small trailer, and we left NY (me having only lived there for 11 months) to move to VA. We really had no idea what we were doing, though I'm sure at the time we felt we did:-) One of the things that I am begrudgingly grateful for is Brian's vision and plan for our family. I say begrudging, because if it were up to me (the play it safe non risk taker aka: worrywart), we'd still be renting an apartment in Rochester, I'm sure (because all other options seem scary!). But after being somewhat dragged along (even if just in my own mind), I eventually see the wisdom in it all. I am so grateful that, while he does listen to my cautions, he isn't afraid to do what he feels is right. I'm very glad God saw fit to give me to a man so different from myself - because it's allowed me to grow and change in ways I never would have forced myself to do otherwise. And it's landed me in a place I never would have imagined, but couldn't love more!

Day 3 - 

"He must be so tall that when he is on his knees, he reaches all the way to heaven. His shoulders must be broad enough to bear the burden of a family. His lips must be strong enough to smile, firm enough to say no, and tender enough to kiss. He must be big enough to be gentle and great enough to be thoughtful. His arms must be strong enough to carry a child." (Ruth Graham). I love his patience, with me, and our kids. Its not one of my outstanding qualities, so the contrast is evident. I want to do everything "this instant", and he is willing to take the long way around, when needed. I like that. I wish I could do that. I'm so thankful that he is long suffering in his love for me. I'm so glad that he always seems to assume the best in me

Day 4 - 

This is a picture from where we met. We worked together, and were not particularly good friends, but friendly co-workers. Then, we got in trouble for things you only ever get in trouble for at very strict places (accused relationship after going to church with another mutual friend). It all was very innocent, but the accusation was very off-putting to me, so that was the end of that. I don't think I spoke a single word to him, let alone entered a room he was in for a solid 18 months. Since there had been "nothing going on", I didn't want it to appear as though we'd somehow just escaped trouble, and I had plenty of friends. He didn't need to be one of them. And he wasn't. So all of this was our strange beginning. And it's not particularly "loving" haha. But what was displayed in all of these shenanigans was character. Not so much mine, but his. Well, sure enough, my character *was* revealed, and it wasn't much to look at. Unless you somehow place high value on grudge holding, and people avoiding (to make myself appear "better"), but I really haven't found a lot of people who like those things;-) But one of the things that comes to mind when I think of Brian in those days is "consistent". He has never pretended to be anything other than what he is. Don't get me wrong, that meant *plenty* of trouble for him, because conservative Christian places 'have a rule for that' to be sure. But he didn't govern his behaviour based on the crazy flavour of the day. He was solid in what he believed, and he's exactly the same now as he was then, outside of the normal growth and change in life. I have always appreciated this consistency in character, and it's one of the things I will always love about him.

Day 5

I was asked after yesterdays post to share how we got together in the end. Well, that's a long story, and I'm only half of it, but I'll try to do justice to his side of the tale. The backstory is that we were introduced in Indianapolis by a mutual friend, Matt Coleman in 1998. I don't remember this encounter at all, haha. If I think about it really hard, I can picture it all, based on his descriptions and details, but yeah, no real memory of this. So in 1999 Brian had the chance to come work at the same place I worked, and he didn't base his decision to go solely on the fact that I was there - but it was a factor;-) So I met Brian (the one I remember), in Chicago in 1999. First impression on my end was not winning. It was obvious right from the start that this guy would say *anything* he wanted to, regardless of situation or location. People like this were trouble in a conservative Christian situation, and my friend Audra marked him off the bat as "trouble". In his opinion, I ignored him, simply because he worked in the warehouse and I didn't...because I was a snob. In my opinion, I was just behaving myself. Befriending random people (opposite gender) was frowned upon. And the fact that we didn't work together meant that I'd have to go out of my way to be nice to him, and I had zero reason to do that. Snob - or just trying to be good. Potato, potatoe. He came to work in my department, and we became friends. Not great friends, but friends enough. After the situation with us getting in trouble I was QUITE sure this guy was a NO on every level. Although he was left with the opposite impression, that I was a YES. So while I set about to make his general existence fairly uncomfortable, he set about to try to be friends. I refused to speak to him. So he figured out a way to put himself in a position where I *had* to speak to him for work issues. I was organizing a homeschool conference. He figured out a way to get himself on the travel team that came to my conferences etc. Small (and annoying to me) insertions into my life where I really had no choice but to be at least cordial:-) With enough time and space between me and HQ in Chicago (I was now working from Canadian location), and with enough of his general prying (thinking up any excuse to talk to me), I started to see that my reactions were at least slightly overdramatic, and I started to feel badly (I was basically borderline or not borderline rude to him on multiple occasions - and in public. He'd enter the lunch room, I'd glare and exit - this kind of thing, so immature). Anyway, I started to feel bad about it, and winter of '00 I apologized to him for being overly dramatic about the situation. It was a fairly lame, and not very thorough apology, but he was like "hey, no problem! actually a bunch of us (from HQ) are going skiing this weekend in NY, want to come?" I was like...UUUUUUHHHH, again rude? Lol. I said "I have to ask my parents" because I was quite sure they'd say no. But they said yes. So I went. It was fine. This picture is from that ski trip. After that, we became friends for real. But just over AIM or email basically. There was another ski trip the next winter. And we were engaged the winter after that! This guy definitely has a vision for his long-range goals! ;-) The whole "story of us" is basically defined by his patience and long suffering.This guy can put up with a lot, and is quick to forgive. I'm so grateful he's mine!

Day 6 - 

 I forgot about this -busy day! So, we'll do an easy one... You ain't too bad to look at, Babe

Day 7

Well here we are at the end of the challenge. It's been a fun exercise in "speaking love" and it's always so nice to reflect on old pictures and memories. At the end of the day, I am grateful that God gave me to this man, knowing all my flaws, and knowing all of his. Does he always “love me as Christ loves the church”? No. Does he always anticipate every need, and emotion and respond in the way I desire? No. Do I honour him in my heart all the time, and choose to believe the best of him? No. Am I a proper helpmeet, setting aside selfish desires and making a priority the things I know he values/wants as he leads our family? No. I know this is sounding like a bit of a bummer...BUT. God brought us together. He sustains us. Life is not perfect, and of course we will never be perfect husbands or wives. But life together is great fun. I'm better for the time we've spent together, and that makes me happy. I will always be grateful he chose to love me.
“Now make such assignments to them on the scroll of Thy will as will bless them and develop their characters as they walk together. Give them enough tears to keep them tender, enough hurts to keep them human, enough failure to keep their hands clenched tightly in Thine and enough of success to make them sure they walk with God. May they never take each others love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, 'out of all this world, you have chosen me'. When life is done and the sun is setting, may they be found then as now, still hand in hand, still thanking God for each other.”

Achievable Beauty

Well, life seems to have converged into a strange triangulation of happiness, sadness, busy-ness, growth, change, and peace. I guess that's more like a strange hexagulation, but I'm fairly confident that's not a thing. Which would actually be fitting. Because that's kind of how it feels sometimes.

In April I was on my way home from Canada, and while I'd been there, a friend was visiting England. My always-wish-it-was-my-home England. The pictures posted online were breathtaking. Literally breathtaking, and it's hard to believe that places like this exist. And that they are able to be captured. And I laughed at the thought - the thought of my pictures, if I should ever see such beauty. How is it even possible that all the pictures I take seem to indicate that I live in 2D? They're flat and boring, and no where near representative of the beauty that I'm actually taking in.

I was scrolling through the pictures on facebook, and seriously, legitimately, wishing that such prettiness existed where I am. I was driving home from Canada - And I saw something. It wasn't England, or Edinburgh... it wasn't even Colorado or California. It was just plain old Pennsylvania. But it was really beautiful. Not in the obvious way, of course. It wasn't overwhelming. But it was...pretty. It wished I had the skills to capture the beauty contained in the picture of my eyes. Because if I could, you'd see it. I was trying to think of a way to describe it, and the thought came to me...

It's achievable beauty.

When I was a teenager, and interested in the dissection and classification of the prettiness of the world at large - which is fairly ill-advised, but human nature nonetheless - I developed a "system". It was actually more of a revelation as I observed all the faces... It wasn't like a 1 to 10 scale or anything. It was more like a breakdown of the "other worldly" into the realm of the achievable. Hollywood actress on the cover of a magazine? Achievable beauty. Given just a little attention by way of make up, clothing, and confidence, (and a good photographer) anyone would be able to look that good. I was sure of it. These people weren't more naturally beautiful than anyone else, and in some cases, less so. And yet they are admired. It might take a little work, but I saw their beauty was achievable.

And somehow I thought my strange teenage classification system worked better in this broader way. It might not take your breath away. But it probably should. It might be achievable, but that doesn't make it less beautiful. The "other worldly" beauty of the swiss alps or the grand canyon can be appreciated in the smaller scale hill full of back yard variety wildflowers that kids like to roll down. But I've seen Grande Beauty that overwhelms me, and the pretty little hill full of kids isn't it. Or is it?

I bet as life wears on the people of Venice, they somehow don't view their picturesque existence as all that grand. They see the inconvenience, and the old, and wish for something different. But I'd trade places with them, wouldn't I? And I bet to one who's wanted a husband and children, the flower-full hill with messy children would bring tears to the eyes.

I think that as I was driving home from Canada, halfway through the journey in the boring bits of Pennsylvania on April 2nd, I realized - in the heart revelation kind of way - something old, and yet something new. It's an old idea, and one that I am familiar with. But it wasn't mine, not completely. I guess it finally traveled from my head all the way down to my heart, and it settled there on that day. I came to see the beauty. I came to appreciate the beauty that I have, not in the literal sense, but as a picture of life, on the whole. Instead of wishing it was better, different, older, newer, cleaner, brighter, and more picture-perfect. Because it doesn't have to be England. Sometimes it can be Pennsylvania.

To me, Achievable Beauty is a good reminder to look up, and see that all I have is enough - It's not an uglier version of something more beautiful, it IS beauty. It might overwhelm at times, and be slow and steady at others, but it's possible to be wholly immersed in beauty, in a totally "achiveable" way.

While I am completely unsure I am sufficiently translating my heart in to words, I'll have to let it rest there for now, and write more later perhaps. My poor neglected blog is on the not-so-short list of things I love and writing is something that helps me sort out thoughts, and I'd like to do a bit more of that - so I'd like to get back to regular posting, but this is all the time I have for today:-)

My Gil

I recently purchased a childhood favourite to introduce my kids too – Anne of Green Gables. It's probably been 13 years since I'd seen it, maybe longer. It was so much fun to watch it again, and I realized something I'd forgotten. I want to marry Gilbert Blythe.

 And I realized something else I'd not remembered – the story of Anne and Gilbert is hauntingly familiar and personal to me. For those of you that don't know about our troubled beginnings, lets just say you can picture Anne, nose in the air, ignoring Gil's very existence. That would be me. And you can picture Gilbert, always stealing a glance at her, always amused by her, always trying to be helpful, and with a knack for showing up at the least desirable/most necessary moment. That would be Brian.

I realized something really incredible when I watched the movies last week. I married Gilbert Blythe.

I don't know how many people get to say – after treating someone unkindly, intentionally, for years – that this person ends up being the love of their life. I can imagine it's not very many people. “We quarreled and I wouldn't forgive him when he asked me to. I wanted to after a while, but I was stubborn and I wanted to punish him first. He never came back. I always felt rather sorry. I sort of wished that I'd forgiven him when I had the chance” - Marilla Cuthbert
Most people decide that they are too important to be treated badly, or that the future is bleak and there is no point in perseverance, and move on.

There are a select few, like Gil, who see beyond the troubled circumstances and petty quarrels to beautiful beginnings and happily ever afters. They are the fortunate ones. And there are those, like Anne, who believe in no other version of the story's ending but the one she's determined in her own mind. There is but one path to happiness, is there not? And I've decided that it certainly could never be you! These end up being the most unhappy of us all, unless they can be persuaded to change their perspective.

I have never been deserving of the time, attention, and pursuit that has been given to me. I will always be grateful that God allowed my heart to see what I had standing in front of me. A loyal, faithful friend, determined in his own way to write the story that he saw, with all it's marvelous possibilities. He is the hero of our story, steadfast, honest, and charming – and I'm just the lucky girl that he loves.

As for life? “We couldn't enjoy it's loveliness any more if we had millions of dollars and ropes of diamonds” - Anne Shirley