Monday, April 15, 2013

Parenting At Its Finest

On the pain threshold scale, 10 being very tolerant, and 0 being not at all...Brooks is a negative 15. I know this about him.

So when I hear "you have to come outside, Brooks is hurt", I roll my eyes and say "tell him to come here"

"He can't. He's hurt"

"He can. Tell him I want to see him"

"No, he actually can't walk. He has a huge splinter, he stepped on this prickly bush and it really hurts"

"Well, he'll figure it out"

a few minutes later...

the lovely 12 year old concerned friend says "He really can't walk"

So I go out into the pitch black of night, and shout into the woods "Brooks! What's wrong?!"

(Weeping loudly) "I can't walk! My foot hurts so bad!"

"Just come here! (I can't!), Just hop! (I can't!), Well, can't you....argh!" I trudge into the bush, find him sitting on a tree stump, pick him up, lug his 50 pound body into the's only once we get right up on the house that I can actually see anything, and I'm thinking he looks ok...

I plunk him on a stool and grab his foot - OW OW OW. What is even wrong? MY FOOT HUUUUURTS. Someone hands me a pair of tweezers, and I look at the foot. I needed a microscope. Where?


Enough. Not another sound. I can't even see anything.

Oh, well, wouldn't you know it, there was a splinter present. Smaller than a grain of sand, but there none the less. His body was literally quivering in pain as I extracted the thing, which required only barely even touching the surface of the skin.

"Have self control and calm down" He was apparently unable. Now that the magnificent splinter was gone, I marched him to the bathroom to scrub up his filthy feet (flip flops in the country = bad idea).

As the tub is filling/warming, and he is STILL unable to stop crying - my annoyance heightens.

"You listen to me. If you ever make me come and get you again, saying you literally cannot walk, and I get to you, and I see that your foot is still attached to your leg, I will cut it off myself. Is that clear?"

Empty threats, they don't get any better than that, folks. That is solid gold right there. By his continual weeping and wailing, and the obvious tone of anger/annoyance in my voice...I think he may have actually believed me.

Do as I say. Not as I do:-D


  1. LOL....this reminds me of some of Dad's crazy empty threats!

    "Brent! you get your hand out of that salad or I'll cut off your fingers with a butcher knife!"

    Lol...I think it must run in the family...I've had some pretty funny ones so far too! And when your kids are young enough...they still believe you and MAY actually change:-P Once they are older...we are just going to get laughed at...with no behaviour modification whatsoever:-P

  2. I thought it was logical enough to extrapolate, "the only reason for saying you can't walk is if your foot is no longer attached" from my lovely threat. I'm sure his behaviour will go completely unchanged, knowing him;-)